Let’s be honest, I’m a giant chicken. A scaredy-cat. A frequent patron to Weenie-Hut Jrs. I hate being scared. So it should come as no surprise that I won’t be attending Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights. But I do appreciate it as a make-up, set building, sound design and lighting marvel. It’s just not for me. But to continue to get everyone in the Halloween spirit, let’s talk about another spooky good time you can have in Orlando. This is my Top 10 2018 Halloween Horror Nights Houses That I Don’t Want to Go Through.
10. Stranger Things
I am a big fan of the Netflix original series and, especially in season 2, it never felt super scary to me. It had its moments of horror and jump scares, but it was always better at making an unsettling atmosphere than scaring the pants off someone. So I would love to see it translated to a walk through experience. But I’ll stay and not go.
9. Slaughter Sinema
I am also a big fan of cheesy 80’s horror movies. The ones that aren’t really scary, but just over the top and hammy. This is universal paying homage to them, but amplified. A great idea, but I’d rather watch them from my couch so I can pause to go to the bathroom and not while I’m going through the maze.
8. Seeds of Extinction
They’re killer plants! Not super scary. If I could know in advance that one of them was going to be singing and voiced by Levi Stubbs (look it up), then I would be excited! But this seems…eh.
7. Dead Exposure: Patient Zero
I feel like this is Universal doing an alternative to the Walking Dead since now the show is about as scary as a box of Ritz Bitz. Still, zombies can be pretty scary, so this one makes me not want to go.
6. The Horrors of Blumhouse
The only Blumhouse movie I have seen that I remember enjoying was Get Out, and the themes of that movie wouldn’t make for a haunted house. Even though that movie takes place almost entirely in one. Also that baby mask guy is more weird than anything. But there are two movies to draw from. So….yay?
5. Trick R Treat
The first of two Halloween themed houses this year, based on the cult anthology movie of the same name and former scare zone. Since children scare me, this one is a pass. Especially since there is a demon child with a bag on his head and half eaten lollipop.
4. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers
Not going to lie, I only put his here since it’s Halloween 4 and it’s spot number 4.
3. Scary Tales: Deadly Ever After
If you’re like me, you’re terrified of Mother Goose fairy tales. They’re pretty messed up, and with that classic Universal Creative twist they’re sure to make it extra messed up. All the more reason why I’m not going to go through it.
Based on the classic 80’s movie and NOT the recent remake, this one is gonna be nuts given the movie. Crazy stuff flying over the place, demon clown dolls, Craig T. Nelson’s face peeling off. Crazy stuff is gonna go down, and I won’t be there to see it.
1. Carnival Graveyard: Rust in Pieces
So my biggest fear in life is clowns. Terrified of clowns. And what do you find at carnivals? Clowns! This one is gonna be the hardest of passes for me.
So there is my list of Top 10 Halloween Horror Nights House I Don’t Want to Go Through. Like I said, I can appreciate the event for what it is and how many people love going to it every year. I’m just a big coward so I’ll be at home watching something like Tommy Boy.